I am betrayed....

I'm not having the best spring of my life.  Money is short, bills are high, time is fleeting and I'm feeling overwhelmed.  I realize that, and it isn't an isolated occurrence, I've spent the vast majority of my life feeling overwhelmed.  I had reached a point where being overwhelmed wasn't as disturbing to daily life.  I was keeping things together and getting stuff done.  But so far this year, that hasn't been the case....

I am just a hot mess right now.  Talked to Rose about it the other day, and she helped me find the end of the thread that lead to this moment....
I've got stuff to do.  I've got to take a shower and get moving.  I was getting ready to do that and felt like some music....
And what do I get?

Second song on the shuffle, and that's right where I'm at.  Sitting here crying alone in my room...
I've been broken, and the new break is dredging up all the old ones, it always does for me.  The new break was a stealth hit.  It took a confluence of events to allow the true pain to surface.
I've been weepy, cranky, and short tempered.  I've been VERY conscious of Steve's absence.  I've seriously been wondering what I have to show for my life, and why I bother to keep trying...
I realize now that the depression has had me for a few months.
And that's a slap in the face with how pernicious the whole negative spiral can be.  Luckily, I'm not too deep in.  I noticed the spiteful, petty, competitive, and unfair tendencies in my thoughts of late.  Rose and I talked about it.
I admitted that I'm angry.
And now I'm ready to own the betrayal.  Got there with this post to FB this morning.

The times, they are a changing....
And if We the People can't see the writing on the wall, and step up and take this country back from the oligarchy now, with a clear vision of the changes we want, then we deserve a Trump presidency.
I was still hanging onto the thin edge of my Democratic alignment, still hoping that my party was really better than that.
And I'm pissed as all Hell at the betrayal this primary season has turned into. I'm tired of the manipulation, the lies, the fraud, the hypocrisy, the wars, the fear, and the hate.
And I'm not just pissed at politicians. I'm pissed at this entire country. I'm pissed at my fellow citizens.
We are supposed to be better than this, people. In this country All Men Are Created Equal. (We should have amended that decades ago to be All People Are Created Equal, but it was a start to something good.) We are supposed to be fair, non-judgemental, compassionate, just, free, and equal. These are the ideals of our founding.
And in the U.S. today, these are all as endangered as the spotted owl.
Have we really strayed so far from Washington, Jefferson, and Franklin that we are just going to happily march ourselves, and the rest of the world, into a global Fascist Oligarchy? Are we really going to let a small group of psychotic pigs decimate the world?
Seriously?
Clinton is the clear choice of the establishment. Trump is just there to scare the Hell out everybody and herd them into Clinton's waiting arms. A vote for Clinton is a vote for the Oligarchy.
I may be wrong, I was wrong about Obama, but I believe Sanders is making a serious bid to change the system. He's engaging people in the process. He's pointing the way to what this country should be. Reminding people that government is supposed to 'PROMOTE THE GENERAL WELFARE'. It's in the fucking preamble. It comes right after 'provide for the common defense' which is the bit the corporate world folks (Clinton) want you to remember, so a lot of people miss it. But, it is in there and it's time we all remembered that....

Yes, I am disappointed, angry, and depressed.
I am aware of the negative spiral.
I'm working on it....