56 Pictures….

Jethro July(?) 2013 - April 11,2015

R.I.P. Beautiful Boy

April 12, 2015

Yes, I’m sitting here, still weeping over the Dam cat.  I’ve got a little bit of weeping left to do, and there will be a bit of weeping over that cat far into the future,  He was a special soul and I will sorely miss him for a long while.

It’s 11:20 and I have to work today, so I know I’m not going to finish this now.  But I’m still drinking the first cup of coffee, I’ve finished with FaceBook for the morning.  Just not in the mood to be really social right now.

Yeah, I know.  But FB really is an introvert’s idea of social.  I make contact with people all over the world on FB.  I keep in touch with family and friends through FB.  I’ve had some good conversations on FB.

But this morning I’m not in the mood.

Jethro’s passing has put another hole in my heart and all the other ones are oozing again.  I’m missing Steve and Stonzie and Ashron and Tyche and the list could go on a very long time….

But that’s not exactly what’s occupying my thoughts at the moment. 

That’s what I’m feeling, and my thoughts are occupied with that.

I’m seriously hurting right now.  I’m sitting here with tears running down my face.

Those that have never loved and lost an animal will not understand that.

And that’s fine.  For those I’ll add that I’ve loved and lost more than my fair share of humans too.  As I said, it’s a new hole and it opens up all the others.  I’ve got a lot of them….

And some are bigger than others.

And some are older and well healed.

And the question that pops to mind is how do you keep on moving?

I really wrestled with that after Steve’s passing.  I’ve always been inclined to just call this whole life a Mulligan and move on, no matter what happens at the end.  If I off myself and there’s nothing more, at least it will be over.  If there’s nothing, then that means there’s no heat ache or worry or physical pain.

That would be relief enough.

But…

I haven’t been allowed out of the pool yet.  I’m still here and, despite my best efforts, still reasonably healthy.

If I’m ever diagnosed with cancer, I’m gonna smoke a lot of dope and let it eat me.

But, with my luck, the dope would cure the cancer and I’d be no closer to the end….

Ah well, I’ve gotta get moving.  I have a job due today so I have to work.

More on that later…

April 13, 2015

Yes, I’m sitting here weeping over the cat again.  Can’t help it, he was a special cat and he was a big part of my days for the last year and a half.  If he were here, he’d be sitting with me, or wanting to make his daily visit upstairs, rattling the door to get back into this part of the house, telling me the water dish was empty…

And yes, I’ve got to work today and tomorrow, but Wednesday is looking like a sleep and binge eat day….

I’m struggling here.  There’s been so much packed into the last week.  In hindsight a whole string of occurrence is weaving into a fairly massive synchronistic boot to the head.  I do a lot of driving for my job, So, I’ve had a lot of time to think, and not do much else, the last couple of days.  Keeping to a single train of thought is difficult for me at the best of times.  I’ve got several STRONG currents tugging at the stream of consciousness right now.  I’ve been pondering the power of music, which is a long wide stream for me.  It’s a concept that has popped up in the fiction I write….

And rarely finish….

But that’s a sidetrack I’m not wanting to explore right this second…

I’m missing Jethro, so he’s on my mind.

Musings on the true nature of the multiverse keep creeping in…

And I’m still on my first cup of coffee….

How do I go on?  That is the question.

And the answer is really very simple.

How do you not?

I’m still here and still breathing.  What am I gonna do?

Suicide, while a viable option in my book, tends to be a rather negative jolt to the universe.  I’m totally committed to the positive side of things.  I’ll admit, for me, it’s always been a struggle, but I persevere, and though I really do think the world would be a better place without me, I’ve got strong evidence to the contrary, so….

I found Jethro in the window well out behind the house on my last trip out with the dogs Saturday morning.  I was gonna walk them around, let ‘em do their thing, get them settled in the house, and head out for the day.  Actually it was Dusty who found him.  We came around the corner of the house and she immediately went to the window well.  I wouldn’t have even noticed without her.  At first I thought he was sleeping.  But he didn’t look up when I called.  He didn’t get up, stretch, and greet his dog…

I knew he was gone before I felt how cold he was.

Kathy heard me call him and asked if I’d found him….

I got the dogs back in the house and we all went out and fell apart.  We all knew what a special soul he was. We’d all recognized that in his earliest days.  He was one of THOSE animals.

And only the true animal lovers will understand that.

I can sum it up in; cats are cool, and Jethro was a cool cat.  He really was an animate ray of sunshine.  Always sweet tempered, he loved everybody.  He went upstairs almost every day to hang with the upstairs cats and the rabbits.  While he was an avid mouser and I was a little worried about him and Leonard, I was confident that once Leonard is big enough to be out of the lunch category, I wouldn’t have to worry about Jethro.

But now I’ll never know…

We all fell apart.

I’m still feeling bad about not dragging his fuzzy butt back into the house Thursday morning, and then forgetting that he was out till after the big storms passed through….

Shoulda, woulda, coulda…

Didn’t.

But we all sail through our lives oblivious to what is right in front of us.

Cuz, hindsight is golden and looking back there were indications that his time with us was drawing to a close, and I think he knew that, if we didn’t.  I truly believe that things happened exactly as they were intended to.,,,

But that’s another side track and I have to move.  Weather I want to or not.

And that is how you keep going in the wake of all tragedies, large and small.  I went out and worked Saturday, cuz I HAD too.  I had a job due.  I had to go finish it, same with yesterday and today and tomorrow.  I have to keep going and get these done.  I need the money.  I have other mouths to feed and responsibilities to tend.

How do I deal with the pain?

I blubbered like a bitty baby all the way from here to Granite.  I blubbered like a bitty baby all the way from Granite to St. Peter’s and I blubbered most of the way home.  I’ve sat here crying in my coffee for 2 days now.  I’ll be sitting crying in my coffee for more days to come.

How do you deal with this?

The best way is, don’t.  Don’t ‘deal’ with it, feel it.  Let the tears fall, laugh at the inappropriate moments, sit and stare blankly into space, sleep, move when you have to, and repeat as often as necessary.  Don’t judge yourself for what you feel, just keep moving and being and feeling.

And remember to pause.

I’ve been going through pictures, that’s where the title of this post came from.  I have 56 good pictures of Jethro.  Doesn’t seem like a lot.  But then I consider that I don’t have that many good pictures of Steve.

And I only have a handful of pictures of Stonzie and she was with me for 17 ½ years…..

Pause and share the chance moments with the people and animals in your life.  Pause and look at the beauty around you.  Listen to music, look at pictures, do something that makes you feel better.  Pause, breath deep, and realize that this to shall pass.

Be very consciously aware that all things pass, both the good and the bad….

Cuz you can't get it back when it's over.

Shot to Hell...

That's my day.

I'm having a 'not far from my own bathroom' day.  Waylaid by the irritable  bowel.  I stay home on days like this.

And that has included not going out for fun things, as well as calling off work.

Luckily, I don't have to worry about the call to a supervisor now.  Taking today off will make for a couple of longer days over the weekend, but I've got nothing due today and time for everything on my schedule.  So no worries there.

I know to the 'you work unless yer dying' crowd this seems like a cop-out.  While I could regale you all with graphic descriptions and a high gross out factor, let's just say, it's never good to feel yer insides, especially not the copious feet of inflame-able tissue packed into yer abdomen. I've already done the extra shower and change of cloths for the day and really, really don't want to be 30 mins. to an hour away from the house if that is necessary again.  Nobody's ever paid me enough to deal with this crap in public.

While I sit here pondering how to salvage something positive out this crappy day....

I've been listening to The Plain White T's.

I really like 'You Belong'.  I'm hooked on the sound of the song; the beat and blending of the voices and instruments.  I like the lyrics.  It makes me feel better.

And that sparks thoughts on the power of music....

And the whole positive/negative thing...

And there's at least 3 posts in there...

Really not sure which one this is going to be yet...

Cuz there's a whole lot here.

Listening to 'Pause' makes me grateful for all the times I've blown off things I should have done to go and do things I wanted to do.  Like the beautiful summer day years ago that Steve and I blew off classes to go out to Northwest Square and see an early movie.  We went to 3 movies that day, had dinner at Steak N' Shake.  Killed time between the movies just walking around the mall, browsing, enjoying time with each other.  We really didn't have the money to do it, but we did it anyway.

And now it's one of the best days I can remember...

And there are many days I'm glad I paused and enjoyed.  They are positive things that lift me up when things are bad.

Cuz, I know that this crappy day is stressed related.  The past few days I've been letting the worries and setbacks get to me.  Had trouble sleeping the past couple of nights.  Letting myself get all bent out of shape over the lack of money...

And today I'm being forced to pause and consider...

It's good to pause and be mindful of the good moments, the moments when you want to stop the world and linger.  Pay attention to every little thing there, set the memory deep.

But, it's also good to pause in the moments of adversity.  To pause, breath deep, and realize that as bad as it is, it could always be worse.  Be grateful for all the bad things that could have happened, and didn't.  Remember the good things in your life, and know that there will be more.

Lately, I've been feeling the lack of big, 'want it to last forever moments' in my life.  There really haven't been a lot of them the past several years.  But in this pause, on this beautiful spring morning, after indulging in some serious puppy therapy, I realized I have a lot of little pause worthy moments everyday.  Watching the birds out my window, visiting with good friends, seeing the flowers bloom. listening to good music, these are all the little things that make life worth while.

And I'm grateful to have so many of them in my life.

And on that note, I'm going to go and try to be productive....

It's a 5...

I really like these guys.  I like their early stuff and I like their latest.  Would like to get their new album.  Maybe it'll happen...



Their music continues to appeal in both sentiment and sound.