Cuz, I really don’t want to do this anymore. No matter what you do, or don’t do, there’s always too much to do, and there’s never enough time to do it. So, if you do the thing that you really want to do, yer guilty of stealing time from the things you have to do, so you don’t really enjoy what you want to do. Life is a steaming pile of crap that never ends
See? I’m having a bad day.
And I feel bad about that, cuz it’s a beautiful day, and mowing the lawn in Granite will be a chance to spend time outside. I should be happy about that.
And that fuels the sense of failure. Which leads to ever-downward spiral…
I’d rather spend the day, and what little energy and stamina I have, working in the garden here. But, I gotta go mow Granite.
And I’m getting a late start so I’ll have to work tomorrow. Which means I won’t have all day to work in the garden, which means the trees don’t get pulled, the mulch don’t get spread. The seeds don’t go in. The carpets don’t get cleaned. The dishes don’t get done. Yadda, yadda, yadda….
But, my life is a mess. It’s always been a mess. I make bad choices. It never works out the way I think it will. So why Bother? I am a failure. I can never do better. So why bother?
Because, I’m still here and I have to do something. Going back to bed and staring at the ceiling is not really an option. I tried it once and it made shit worse.
And it’s not all bad. We’ve been watching Dr. Who in the evenings, and that’s been fun. The weather has been beautiful the past couple of days. The garden is progressing. I do get paid Monday. There are things I want to do, and things I care about. I will get the positive thing back. It’s just a struggle, a constant struggle.
And I realize that in my present mood, every little thing frustrates the hell outta me. I’m trying to get to a calm center and get back to letting things roll off. I’m doing the best I can with what I have. Things will get better. Interesting that this popped up in one of those stupid little FaceBook quizzes:
That's supposed to be my theme song. I don't feel much like titanium, but I always pick up the pieces and move along. Cuz, really, what else are you going to do?
And I'm writing this post cuz I've learned that the best way to deal with the negatives of life is to acknowledge them, accept them, feel them, deal with them, let the energy work through, and leave them behind. Life is a river and water flushes out the bad stuff. It's best not to block the flow.
Late
As
I wondered defrocked forest
Lost
in welter and confusion
Lost
to illusion
Found
in collusion
Collision
Incision
Prometheus's
friend to pluck out my heart
Time
cleaves time
Imp
in the eyes
Son
of lies
Eats
my soul
Gobbles
it whole
Fodder
of flies
Totter
and lies
Cold
in slime
Warmed
to strife
Prodded
to life
To
wander defrocked forest
So with that final whine. I'm gonna get off my ass and start moving. I've got things to do and I have to go do them....
